Month: April 2007

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Ratty in the Afterlife

Howard schemes

Shamelessly purloined from Sir Henry Casingbrooke, this joke is too funny not to conserve beyond the fringe.

While on his morning walk, Prime Minister John Howard falls over, has a heart attack and dies because the accident and emergency ward at his nearest hospital is too understaffed to treat him in time.

So his soul arrives in Heaven and he is met by Saint Peter at the Pearly Gates.

“Welcome to Heaven,” says Saint Peter, “Before you settle in, it seems there is a problem. We seldom see a Liberal around these parts, so we’re not sure what to do with you.”

“No problem, just let me in; I’m a good Christian; I’m a believer,” says the PM.

“I’d like to just let you in, but I have orders from God Himself. He says that since the implementation of his new HEAVENCHOICES policy, you have to spend one day in Hell and one day in Heaven. Then you must choose where you’ll live for eternity.”

“But I’ve already made up my mind. I want to be in Heaven,” replies Howard.

“I’m sorry … but we have our rules,” Peter interjects. And, with that, St. Peter escorts him to a lift and he goes down, down, down … all the way to Hell.

The doors open and he finds himself in the middle of a lush golf course. The sun is shining in a cloudless sky. The temperature is a perfect 22C degrees. In the distance is a beautiful club-house.

Standing in front of it is Bob Menzies and thousands of other Liberals luminaries who had helped him out over the years —Harold Holt, John Gorton, Bill McMahon, Billy Snedden, etc. And everyone is laughing, happy, and casually but expensively dressed.

They run to greet him, and to reminisce about the good times they had getting rich at the expense of ’suckers and peasants.’ They play a friendly game of golf and then dine on lobster and caviar.

The Devil himself comes up to Howard with a single malt, “Have a drink John and relax!”

Seeing his hesitancy, the Devil reassures Howard.

“This is Hell, son. You can drink and eat all you want and not worry and it just gets better from there!”

Howard takes the drink and finds himself liking the Devil, who he thinks is a really very friendly cove who tells amusing anecdotes like and pulls hilarious nasty pranks, kind of like the ones the Liberals pulled with the GST and the Free Trade Agreement promises.

They are having such a great time that, before he realises it, it’s time to go.

Everyone gives him a big hug and waves as Howard steps into the lift and heads upward.

When the elevator door reopens, he is in Heaven again and Saint Peter is waiting for him. “Now it’s time to visit Heaven,” the old man says, opening the gate.

So for 24 hours Howard is made to hang out with a bunch of honest, good-natured people who enjoy each other’s company, talk about things other than money and treat each other decently. Not a nasty prank or short-arse joke among them.

No fancy country clubs here and, while the food tastes great, it’s not caviar or lobster. And these people are all poor. He doesn’t see anybody he knows and he isn’t even treated like someone special.

“Whoa,” he says uncomfortably to himself. “Bob Menzies never prepared me for this!”

The day done, Saint Peter returns and says, “Well, you’ve spent a day in Hell and a day in Heaven. Now choose where you want to live for eternity.”

With the ‘Deal or No Deal’ theme playing softly in the background, Howard reflects for a minute . then answers: “Well, I would never have thought I’d say this — I mean, Heaven has been delightful and all — but I really think I belong in Hell with my friends.”

So Saint Peter escorts him to the lift again and he goes down, down, down, all the way to Hell.

The doors of the elevator open and he is in the middle of a barren scorched earth covered with garbage and toxic industrial wasteland.

He is horrified to see all of his friends, dressed in rags and chained together. They are groaning and moaning in pain, faces and hands black with tar.

The Devil comes over to Howard and puts an arm around his shoulder. “I don’t understand,” stammers a shocked Howard, “Yesterday I was here and there was a golf course and a club-house and we ate lobster and caviar and drank single malt whisky. We lazed around and had a great time. Now there’s just a wasteland full of garbage and everybody looks miserable!”

The Devil looks at him, smiles slyly and purrs, “Yesterday we were campaigning; today you voted for us!”

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Ratty’s Smelly Election Tricks

From now to the election, this list will be updated to keep track of the rodent’s nasty wedgies as he attempts to claw back lost ground. Thus far we have:

  1. The attempt to vilify teachers.
  2. The attempt to win votes by unnecessary condemnation of AIDS victims.
  3. An attempt to reinvigorate “Boatpeoplephobia”.
  4. The attempt to bash unions.
  5. Smear and muckraking, even having the cheek to try to exploit the WA crime and corruption commission prosecutions when he would NEVER implement a CCC at the federal level.
  6. The attempt to blame high interest rates on Labor.

No doubt it won’t be long before more scurrilous manouvres are added to this list.

  • May 2/07 Use of Bill Heffernan to slag off at Julia Gillard for being “deliberately barren” and thus unsuitable for public office – the rodent waits a whole day before expressing support for those requiring an apology from the Heffer.
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Ratty and Doodoo’s People Swap Club

People Poker

The ties and lies that bind between Asstralia and the United Stupids have been strengthened again with the launch of a brand new rodential caper – people trafficking.

Harnessing the blood-curdling imagination of Andrew Metcalfe, Immigration Department Secretary, the odiferous rodent has driven a hard bargain with accomplice Doodoo. Whorestralia will rid itself of those embarrassing unwanted Sri Lankan and Burmese cue-jumping boaties holidaying at taxpayers’ expense in the lovely detention resort in Nauru, where the locals are sick and tired of their already plundered country being treated as a human rubbish dump, in exchange for the United Stupids’ excess human baggage – Cuban and Haitian refugees.

This sordid deal works out splendidly for both imperialistic scoundrels, as it plays well electorally to the paranoid barbarian hordes in both their beknighted kingdoms. For Whorestralian xenophobes, Cubans and Haitians would seem almost American, especially if they are a sacred gift from King Doodoo himself. And, hallelujah brother, they are not Asians and therefore probably not dreaded Muffy followers. In fact, if not voodoo adherents, they’re most likely Catholic.

Did anyone bother asking any of these desperate people where they would rather live before they were traded like stamps?

Whilst Asstralian refugee rejects may not mind ending their arduous voyage and imprisonment with a free ticket to the United Stupids, and existing illicit people smugglers rejoice at a chance of increased demand and profits, it is dubious whether Cubans and Haitians would wish to travel to the other side of the globe to settle, with minimal future contact with relatives and friends. This raises the possibility that Doodoo’s gangsters are anticipating a lovely rampage in Cuba after Castro’s death, resulting in many Cubans fleeing the country for the United Stupids. Is Whorestralia being lined up to be a convenient human dumping ground for the human consequences of future US excesses in their interminable, tyrannical pursuit of unfettered mercantilism, grotesquely disguised as usual as those lofty tenets, freedom and democracy?

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Sneaking over the Great Firewall

Amazingly, the vigilant Chinese authorities have not blocked Beyond The Fringe, according to the three location test at Website Pulse. Not so at the Great Firewall of China test, where every site I tried on several servers besides this one was blocked. [NB Now clear on this test]. You can also use this test.

Beyond The Fringe is also listed on Google China – four pages of references isn’t too bad considering the site hasn’t been up for too long in its present form and location.

It must be time to write something pointedly critical about human rights abuses and censorship in China, besides one’s usual diatribes about Chinese purchases at bargain basement prices of Asstralian resources.

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Kevvie’s Clear Choices

Saint Kevin

Electorally, Rudd’s IR announcements at the National Press Club luncheon today seem likely to appeal, with the critical reactions from union spokespeople adding a vital touch of concern which will assist in delineating the ALP from the unions, avoiding the usual rightard criticisms of the ALP being in the unions’ pocketses. Cleverly, Kev emphasised his primary responsibility to the economy.

“Industrial disputes are serious. They hurt workers, they hurt businesses, they can hurt families and communities, and they certainly hurt the economy.”

Chief points of Kev’s IR policies outlined were

  1. secret ballots on strikes
  2. no strike pay (which isn’t going down at all well with the unions)
  3. uniform, national IR system for the private sector (already meeting resistance from the NSW government)
  4. bosses with fewer than 15 staff will still be able to sack employees for any reason if they have worked for the company for less than a year, and for businesses employing more than 15 people, staff will only be able to claim unfair dismissal if they have worked there for six months or more

Supportively, Australian Council of Trade Unions president Sharan Burrow said

the policy prompted little cause for concern.

“We are of course waiting for the details but this is a good start.”

Which issue will take centre stage at the ALP conference? U or IR? Kev expressed confidence that his IR policies would be endorsed by the 400 delegates.

With the polls showing Labor is increasing its comfortable lead, with the primary vote 50/35, on a two party preferred basis 59/41 and best prime monster 48/36, Team Rodent is looking more and more likely to be waving desperate huge bribes and tax cuts to all us Joe Blows in the May budget.